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We did it! Bad Mums’ Club Launch Night

And breathe!..

Something I’ve not been doing for the past few months thinking about setting up Bad Mums’ Club. Can I do it? Am I mad? Will people really want to come? After all, this was an idea born out of a night in with a bottle of wine to myself ‘a la Bridget Jones’…should it have been buried with the hangover that followed?

No!

This year I made a pact to myself – it’s time to get scared again. You may have heard countless life coaches and ‘gurus’ spouting about ‘do one thing a week that scares you’, well I picked the mother of all scary tasks and now I’m glad I did.

On March 23rd 2017 over 50 women turned out for the launch of Bad Mums’ Club, none of them really knowing what to expect. I admit I was overwhelmed and moved at the turnout (in my head I expected about 10 people to show and that would have been made up of my relatives and close friends) but these were REAL people, most of which didn’t know me from Adam. To see them all together made me think – this really IS what Mums want – a place where you can go and be bloody honest for once, have a bit of fun and enjoy being YOU again.

And so the night began…

Mums who arrived on their own felt their nerves ease as they enjoyed the complimentary glass of prosecco, those who arrived with friends in tow chatted eagerly, all were excited to find out what lay ahead.

I’ll admit I have never been as nervous as I was making my welcome speech to all the ladies. For me this is really personal. I can’t tell you how passionate I am about Bad Mums’ Club and when you feel so strongly about something you really want other people to feel it too. Standing up there and telling a room full of wonderful women why I wanted to do this was daunting, but they smiled, hell they even laughed along with me.

That’s when I knew I had done the right thing.

What followed was far better than my words – BBC Radio 5 live’s Sam Walker, our first ever guest speaker, was fantastic (although I knew she would be). Sam is a mum of two who juggles her career with being ‘mummy’. She overwhelmed me last year when she decided to live her dream, took a break from work and went off with her family to live in New York and Australia for a number of months so they could have the experience of a lifetime. That takes balls and it’s something I think as mums we often think we can’t do anymore – yet here she was doing it. Inspiring, funny and not sugar coating the hard times either…Sam was bloody brilliant!

More prosecco flowed, and why not, we are supposed to be ‘Bad Mums’ after all ; )

Then it was time for the ladies to mingle. They had all been given a coloured sticker when they arrived and now they had to get into groups depending on which colour they were. Some got to try out cocktail flaring first, others reflexology, face mapping and some ate cake – yes really! Local businesses had come along to give the mums a treat and unite the community – something I was keen for Bad Mums’ Club to do. After two hours of ‘me’ time it was hard to get anyone to leave. I was inundated with ‘when is the next one?’, ‘can we have a go at this next time?’ and above all it was just heartwarming to stand and watch women who didn’t know each other at the start of the night, forming new friendships.

So thank you ladies, this couldn’t continue without you. This is for you. This is for me. This is for everyone who has ever had a moment where they feel like they are not good enough. Raise your glass…to Bad Mums’ Club. We are launched and we are proud!

 

 

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Paddling pools can p*** off!

Well the current heatwave must have sent me delirious because this week I succumbed to my children’s pleas of getting a paddling pool. If I’m honest it took days of trying to placate them with ice lollies and witnessing their overheated tantrums that made me give in, along with a sunny gin fuelled afternoon where I would have easily said yes to anything!

It was only a paddling pool request after all, it wasn’t like the time they asked for a dog, cat, furby, hatchimal…this one we could probably manage to do.

Oh boy was I so wrong!

Firstly, let me explain how hard it is to buy a paddling pool when all the other parents out there are being badgered to do the same thing. The words ‘out of stock’ almost became a mantra until hurrah, Argos came to the rescue with the last paddling pool in stock. By this time my budget had gone from spending just £20 to ‘I’ll pay whatever it costs JUST GIVE ME A GODDAMN PADDLING POOL!’

Triumphant in my quest I raced home to set it up to surprise the minions after school. This was at 1 o’clock, by 2.45pm I was still sat there trying to blow it up, about to pass out from boredom and heat exhaustion. Note to self, do not be tight, buy the pump that is recommended to come with it rather than use the super slow foot pump you’ve had since you bought your first car (which was in black and white days)!

There will be some of you nodding along in sympathy with this I’m sure-yes you’ve been there AND felt the pain of realisation that once it’s finally pumped up-you have to FILL it up!

Well, I have to say it was all worth it for the screams of delight from my two little cherubs as they burst into the garden then ran up to their bedrooms to change into their swimwear. Cut to 10 mins later though when the oldest one has branded it ‘boring’ and my youngest peed in it and then complained that the water was too wet.

With the kids back inside watching TV and playing ‘MarioLand’ there was only one thing to do, yes, I dived in to the yellow tinged water with my Prosecco ice pop (a revelation by the way) and enjoyed the sunshine.

So, make use of the paddling pool whilst you can because after all by this time next week we will either have the rain back or a hose pipe ban in place. Good look trying to get the thing back in the box when you finally deflate it too, I can guarantee it will end up in the green bin – but, just like childbirth, next year the pain will all be a distant memory and we will do it all over again!

Cheerio for now,

The Big Bad Mumma xxx

 

 

Competitive parents and rich Tooth Fairies!

Like most parents with school age kids I’m gearing myself up for that time of the year when they come home with a ‘project’ to do. Yes, that moment when they present you with a mammoth list of things they need to build/create that usually require you to do more work than them. And then there’s the competitive element you get dragged into…

“Little Johnnie in class 3B is doing a project on astronauts and he’s going to NASA space station in America with his parents so he can do some research.”

“Libby from class 4A is doing a presentation on the Ancient Egyptians. She is dressing up as Cleopatra complete with an Asp that her Mum and Dad have loaned from the local pet shop.”

Now, whilst I might be exaggerating here, there is a lot of truth in the extent to which some parents go to to make sure their ‘mini me’s’ are top of the class.

Like the time I experienced ‘House-gate’ when my little girl was about 5 years old. She came home with a task from the teacher that said she had to ‘describe your favourite room in your house and why. You can use pictures or be as creative as you wish.’

Well, of course, in my head the words ‘if you wish’ meant just one thing – you didn’t have to go overboard if you didn’t want to. So, I actually felt proud of myself on ‘hand in’ day when my daughter had completed not just written words but an accompanying picture of her bedroom (coloured in no less)! That was until I reached the playground…

As if in slow motion one of the kids from my daughters’ class walked past me with her parents in tow, all 3 of them were holding up what can only be described as a mini house. Other parents’ eyes also followed them. We were all in awe, disbelief and pretty much mouthing the words ‘WTF?”

Yes, there’s always the one that goes that EXTRA mile and this particular family had created not just their kids favourite room but their HOUSE. Plus I later found out, (after quizzing my child at dinner), that their model also had carpet in it – the SAME carpet from their actual living room. How the hell do you compete with that??

Since then though I’ve upped my game and like to use the ‘ageing a piece of paper to look like old parchment trick’.

Step 1: spill black coffee over a piece of paper

Step 2: dry out naturally

Step 3: crumple it up

Voila!  – just call me a Blue Peter presenter!

I want to just leave you with one final thought for now…does anyone else think the Tooth Fairy has hiked up her pay outs?

According to my daughter the plucky pixie left a £5 note under the pillow of one of her toothless friends recently and now she thinks that is the going rate! Unfortunately ‘Tink’, as we like to call her, was strapped for cash when she visited our house so left just £3 (made up of lots of loose change). Although she did leave our daughter a lovely coffee stained, crumpled note to make up for it…

Till next time,

The Big Bad Mumma

 

 

Potholes have a lot to answer for…

It’s been one of THOSE DAYS…

It all started off quite well. I’d managed to put my knickers on the right way around and drunk at least half a cup of coffee before it went cold – you could say life was sweet. For once I WAS that Stepford wife, I’d put a wash on before leaving the house and I was taking the terrible twosome (aka the kids) to a play centre as a motherly treat. The sun was even shining, I should’ve known from that omen something was bound to go wrong.

Kids in the car. Check.

Snacks packed to avoid the centre’s overly priced tuck shop. Check.

Drive down the main road. Pothole. F***!!

I hear an almighty clunk and then I panic. ‘What was that Mummy?’ That, my inquisitive 7- year old is a big hefty hole in my purse (that’s what I wanted to say but I took a deep breath and pulled over). Phew, no sign of real damage. Relief.

Stepford Wife is back in the game.

We’ve got Dua Lipa on the stereo (god knows who she is but my little girl seems to know every lyric), and my little boy is happy getting to grips with the Chupa Chups lolly that I know I will regret giving him later.

The play centre was a dream; no nose bleeds, no weeing in the ball pool, and I was only asked once by my 3-year old son to slide down the snake that really wasn’t meant for a 30 something.

I survived. I am invincible. I spoke too soon.

I came out to a FLAT tyre. Not just a FLAT tyre, a totally wrecked one! The good news was we were right next to a Kwik Fit – the bad news was I still had the kids in tow. To be fair I still had snacks to bribe them with and the saviour of an iPad. But then, it happened. Whilst stepping out of the waiting room to inspect the replaced tyre I suddenly heard my name booming over the Tannoy system and the words  “could you come back in, your son is exposing himself in reception”.

Oh. My. God. I ran inside like Paula Radcliffe in need of a wee – and there he was waving his ‘winky’ proudly about, laughing.

He’s got his winky out…in Kwik Fit!!!!

‘Put it away’ I said frantically whilst pulling up his pants.

‘He’s NEVER done that before’ I insisted as the other customers smiled in disbelief.

My daughter was laughing, my son was laughing, I was as red as a beetroot BUT the winky was back in its box. What a day!

So, spare a thought for me next time you swerve to avoid those pesky potholes, thanks to them I’m to be forever known as ‘the woman whose son waved his winky in Kwik Fit’.

@BadMumsClubUK  www.badmumsclub.co.uk

 

 

 

Meta ‘Mum’ Phasis

***Bad Mums’ Club Public Health Warning***

We have been informed of an outbreak of Meta ‘Mum’ Phasis. It’s quite contagious and is something that can affect all Mums at some point in their life, some sooner than others.

What is Meta ‘Mum’ Phasis?

The moment you realise you have turned into your mother!

Symptoms:

Early warning signs include verbal ‘Mum’ diarrhoea to your kids, such as…

  • “Shut that door, were you born in a barn?”
  • “You’ll be laughing on the other side of you face”
  • “I’ve got eyes in the back of my head”
  • “If I have to tell you one more time…”
  • “There’ll be tears before bedtime”
  • “I’m warning you…”
  • “I’ll count to 10”
  • “If the wind changes you’ll stay like that”
  • “Well I’m NOT Molly’s Mum, I’m yours!”
  • “If you carry on like that you won’t be going anywhere”
  • “If you don’t finish your tea, there won’t be any dessert”
  • “I’m not asking you I’m telling you”
  • “Are you sure you don’t need the toilet before we leave?”

 

Possible side –effects:

  • Weekend visits to the garden centre and housing stores
  • Getting excited over buying a frying pan or juicer
  • Visiting pubs with soft play areas just to be able to finish a glass of wine
  • Falling asleep at the cinema when the lights go down

 

How long does it last?

Until the kids turn into teens and you enjoy a mid-life crisis phase and start wearing over the knee boots and dancing inappropriately on tables at nightclubs frequented by 21 year olds!

 Treatment:

 Gin to numb the realisation (double measures recommended).

 General Advice:

If you think you or someone you know has Meta ‘Mum’ Phasis act quickly, common symptoms can be reversed, through good friends and support. 

Meta ‘Mum’ Phasis  –  together we can wipe it out!

 

 

 

It’s ANOTHER kids party so I will cry if I want to!

 

Well, the party season is in full bloom isn’t it?

No, I’ve not had too many gins and think it’s Christmas again, I’m actually talking about kid’s parties. It seems once January is out of the way there’s an invite in the school bag every other week – my kids have more of a social life than me nowadays!

All this partying comes at a price though. If you count up all the kids party presents I bought last year I could be the owner of a shiny new pair of Louboutin shoes by now. As the kids get older the parties get more competitive too. Thanks to Daniel (indoor rock climbing party) Jess (ice skating party) Tom (jungle style assault course party) we are now under pressure to ‘up our game’. Bring back the Play Centre party days, even though I do remember muttering ‘if I see another soft play area I will throw myself onto one of its many plastic foam squares and have a meltdown’.

I shudder to think what my 7 turning 8-year-old will be asking for her party in July.

“Mum can I have Princess Pony Party with acrobatic performers who breathe fire…oh and can Little Mix come and perform…can they…pleeeease!”

Is it wrong that we have started asking our children just how much they like said birthday girl or boy when we get the party invite through?

It goes something like this…

“How MUCH do you play with them?”

“But would you say they are your FRIEND?”

“Do you REALLY want to go?”

It’s like our own unique version of Britain’s Got Talent, three X’s and they’re out!

Then if you do decide they can go it’s that age old debate (as The Clash so rightly put it) ‘should I stay or should I go’?

Stay, and you have to make parent small talk (perish the thought), go and you are labelled ‘that parent who abandoned their child’. On the plus side staying means you automatically inherit the leftovers of your kids’ party plate when they decline to eat the hot dog and chips on offer and instead shove every E number sweet in their mouth they can find.

Like all good things, it finally comes to an end, and god help you if you are the birthday boy/girl’s parent and haven’t provided a party bag (number one on the cardinal sin list)!

The kids are already red faced and wild at this point but those little bags send them over the edge. I mean it’s crazy how excited they can get over a mini pencil, rubber and a bottle of bubbles. And yes, however many times you tell your child to leave the cake until they get home it never quite survives the car journey does it?

Anyway I best go, in a role reversal I have got my own birthday party to plan as Bad Mums’ Club turns 1 this March and I can guarantee there’ll be the bottles of bubbles on the night that you won’t be sharing with the kids!

Keep posted for more news on our website www.badmumsclub.co.uk and Facebook page @BadMumsClubUK to join in with the celebrations!

 

 

 

 

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